The Coaching Book Club Podcast
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The Coaching Book Club Podcast
The Possible Self: Coaching Through Identity Shifts and Sticky Emotions
In this episode of The Coaching Book Club Podcast, Christy and Ken explore The Possible Self by Maja Djikic — a practical and reflective guide for coaches navigating identity, mindset, and growth. Together, they unpack the challenges of transitions, sticky emotions, and what it means to redesign not just behaviors, but the beliefs beneath them. Through storytelling, laughter, and real-life coaching reflections, they offer a candid look at how personal development shows up in coaching practice. Key themes we explore:
- The "time thief" trap — and how to reclaim attention
- Sticky emotions like fear, anger, and sadness as coaching data
- What curiosity + acceptance really mean for coaches
- Reframing "helping" from problem-solving to presence
- Practical shifts to update your coaching self-concept
ICF Core Competencies Highlighted:
#2: Embodies a Coaching Mindset
#6: Listens Actively
#7: Evokes Awareness
Welcome to the Coaching Book Club podcast, the show that empowers coaches through books. I'm Christie Stuber here with my friend and co-host Ken McKeller, and today we're talking about the Possible Self, A Leader's Guide to Personal Development by Maya Jiji. Here's what you can expect in this episode. First, we'll share a quick overview of the book, what it's about, and why it matters to coaches like you. Next, we'll break down some key takeaways that stood out to us and how they might inspire you to reflect on your own motivation and energy use. Finally, we'll talk about how we've been applying these ideas and our own coaching practice with some strategies you can experiment with in your own life. Hey, Ken, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Good.
Ken McKellar:Good, good, good. So what did you think of this book? I'm gonna have to bring the smoke early. Gonna bring the smoke early, because last night I actually, I like to use YouTube to try to figure out things, um, in a, in, in, and, and one of the things I was doing was a, a Rubik's cube. Like, okay, let me help me with the solution with this. And that is a different story for a different day. But before I got to the 10 Minute Solve War Rubik Cubes, I lost about an hour and a half just strolling through stuff. And then all of a sudden I go, oh, what? What did that hour and a half go to Time Thief. Time Thief. Time Thief. And that. Is what I got outta this book. How to manage my Fees
Christy Stuber:of time. Very, very good. Very good. Um, I'm trying to think of the appropriate segue into how, what I got on this book and I'm just can't find one, so I'm gonna jump into it. So I, um, although I think there's something here, you know what, what really hit home for me in this book is. What she said, that, uh, we don't grow by just changing behaviors. We grow by integrating all aspects of ourself, the mind, the emotions, the body, our motivations and our past learnings. And I think the connection I'm making right now, hearing your story is maybe there was a behavior change you wanted to solve the Rubik's cube, but the why. The motivation underneath it wasn't as clear, which, what made it so easy for those time thiefs to sneak in and take over. What do you think?
Ken McKellar:I like that. I like, I like the way you, you say that and you know the possible self, or I'm thinking what's possible with itself when you add intentionality with this. Right. And awareness. And I think that probably was the biggest takeaway from this book, was just being aware of distractors. Um, full versus restores, right?
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Ken McKellar:Um, learning and relearning. Oh man, I do a lot of relearning. How many, like how many times do I read a book? I, I may read a book. One time to get a sentence, I'm like, Hmm, can't remember that sentence. And I read a whole book, like, all that relearning, um, rather than holding on to learning. So those are some of the, the takeaways I got outta it.
Christy Stuber:Yeah, no, I mean, how many times have I suggested a book for this podcast? And you say, well, I've already read that book. Let's do it again.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. Yeah. I, I like what you just said about the relearning'cause that was a big takeaway for me as well. This idea about, um, the constructs that we have created in our lives, throughout our lives and, um, that closed constructs, which can be identified as those that are generalized across situations, people, and time, um, that closed constructs are what stop us. And the reminder then as a coach, you know, core competency, evoking awareness, and facilitating client growth is helping my clients notice name and either reframe or relearn those constructs or beliefs so they can update their self concept. Um, that there's nothing wrong with them, but updating that will help them think for themselves in new ways.
Ken McKellar:Yeah. I like that, especially the updating part in terms of really taking in like the stuff that's usable.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm. Right.
Ken McKellar:And then letting go of the stuff that's not. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:I mean,
Ken McKellar:stuff that kept me safe and content when I was nine is not necessarily useful when I'm like three days. Before death.
Speaker 3:That's old folks. That's old. That's old.
Christy Stuber:Many, many decades for you
Speaker 3:that I passed seven 11 the other day. He said, what's up? What's up? Just getting coffee.
Christy Stuber:No, no, no friend. But it is, it is a good reminder. I, I went for a walk with my yoga teacher yesterday and we were talking about limited beliefs and, and. I remember her saying to me, she's like, I'm surprised that you have limited limiting beliefs. And I said, oh gosh, I can tell you what mine is, right? Mine is, I'm not good enough. And it's been there my entire life across every sphere of my life. It's one I'm still fighting with and struggling with. And, um, so when I read the book, I was reminded, right, that is a closed construct that's holding me back because it has been across all aspects of my life and all throughout my life. So it's one I keep working with.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. What's another takeaway for you from the book?
Ken McKellar:I like what you started off with at the beginning is, you know, the three minds and. What was it that she said? She talked about blindly versus questioning?
Christy Stuber:Hmm. This is why I remember that. I don't remember as much.
Ken McKellar:Yeah, so,'cause she talked Okay. A little bit about that. But where I'm gonna just feel away from it is like, what comes up for me now, right at this moment? Mm-hmm. Curiosity versus acceptance. Like do they even sit at the same table or are they coworkers on the same task? In a coaching as a coach, very curious about what's coming up or what about what may happen in this session. Hmm. And at the same time, I'm believing that this person is a complete whole being, believe that this, so they got this and I'm just, um, a character in their movie, like not a leading role.
Christy Stuber:Mm-hmm. Yeah. So as a coach, how do you. How do you balance that curiosity and acceptance with your clients?
Ken McKellar:Well, I don't know if it's a balancing act. I think both of them are on the same side of the being, you know, because it is acceptance 100% right now. The curiosity is not about who they are. It's more, I mean it's about who they are, but it's also about, you know, what they're saying, what their goals are and how that matches up. I'm really curious about their story. Right? And their story is generating limiting beliefs. Then I'm get real curious about that. I still accept them as a being, not the limitation of the being.
Christy Stuber:Thank you for clarifying. So there the acceptances of the person as a whole being as a whole self.
Speaker 3:And then
Christy Stuber:curiosity is about, um, what they're bringing in. And it might be different aspects of themselves that is, that is coming up. Um, it's making me think about the takeaway I had, which ties also back to your Rubik's cube, uh, story from last, last night. That it is easy as coaches to take whatever the person's coming in with. As the thing, right? I want to stop procrastinating, I wanna speak up more, and, and that's not looking at the whole, or even accepting the whole self.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Christy Stuber:It's just focusing on the behaviors, which is just the very, very tip top and, and may maybe. Maybe you could have eventually solved that Rubik's cube, but would that have really scratched the itch that you were trying to scratch, which is that deeper down want and desire fueled by, you know, motivation and informed by past learnings?
Ken McKellar:You know what? Oh wow. You just said something that made me think of David Drake. He does narrative poaching. We have to probably have to do his book. Um. And one of the things he says is, you know, get the story first. Zel, get in the story first before, because they may come in with one thing, but after revealing their story, it could be something totally different. So when I'm talking about solving, when I'm talking about the Rubik's Cube, I'm leading with what my story is. Uh, I, uh. I've never done it. Matter of fact, I can't do it. I've tried a lot when I was little, the rubic cube's been around a minute, you know, messing with folks, right? And, um, so I got support, you know, from, from, from YouTube. But the, my, my story was I couldn't do it until I got a part of it. Don't even remember it. But that's the way shifted to, wow, this is cool. It shifted from, I can't do it, can't do it to, this is cool. And then after I did it again, now I do it for relaxation. I can't do it in 30 seconds like some people do, but I get relaxed. It just fun. Turn these little things around and then once I get it, that's satisfying. Like,
Speaker 3:ah,
Ken McKellar:lemme look at it and then give it to my daughter. Okay, shuffle it up again. And then she sings the song that.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. Well, and, and Maya talks about that in her book about using gratitude as a way to extend our willpower. So you being grateful, like, oh, I got that side, and then there's a whole little party in celebration, then extends your willpower to keep trying to go to the next thing.
Speaker 3:Right. Nice. Nice. Mm-hmm.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. That made me think about at the end of sessions when I'll ask clients, you know, what are they, what do they wanna acknowledge about themself? Because I, and now looking at that, that ties into, oh, this is expressing gratitude for something that's been accomplished, something that I've done maybe different or new that I wanna celebrate. Celebrate the session.
Ken McKellar:Nice. Nice. You've been, you've been working on your craft. I hear you've been working on your craft. I hear it. And everything you said. You okay? Okay. Master coach.
Christy Stuber:Okay. I hear you. Not yet. Still working on it. That's what I love about these books and talking about this. So it does help me integrate more and more of the learning and more and more understanding about what these core competencies are really about, when I can get underneath them. And so it's not just the thing, but I understand the purpose behind it. Kind of like what we're talking about with this book actually. Right? The competencies of behavior. But for me to understand everything around it is what helps me get the motivation and the willpower then to want to bring it into my craft and my practice.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah.
Ken McKellar:Yeah. One of the things that she talked about in the book was sticky emotions.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm. Um,
Ken McKellar:she had mentioned four of them. Mm-hmm. Fear, anger, sadness, and joy. And pain. No, she didn't say pain, joy, and happiness. Mm-hmm. Right. Um. And I'll just, I have a question for you. Hmm. In coaching, like how do, how do these sticky emotions show up for you? Mainly talking about the first three, fear, anger, and sadness. Or do they even show up for you? Do you get into your zen motion and you're like, Ooh, that stuff sits at the back door of my coaching?
Christy Stuber:Mm-hmm. So how do I experience fear, anger, and sadness in my coaching as I'm coaching? Is that the question?
Ken McKellar:That's a question.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. I mean, I, I'm immediately, what comes to mind is my journey. I'm still on towards MCC and how all of those have come up at different points and they can. Really stopped me from wanting to move forward so I can feel, you know, angry that this recording I thought was so great. When I had my mentor listen to it, she pointed out one fairly major thing and I'm like, oh, and it just, that anger can get me, can get me stuck. How does that connect to the sticky emotions that she talked about? Well,
Ken McKellar:I don't know. In, in terms of how she talks about, because I'm, I'm, I'm bringing it into my own lap.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Ken McKellar:In terms of how, like, it's like, hmm. Like how do I, how do I let go?'cause she talked about, you know, letting go basically. Um, how long do you hold on to stuff? And, and, and she, and she gives, you know, read the book People, I say this every time, but it's'cause she gives some pointers about how to, how to really walk through some stuff. Mm-hmm. So read the book, but it brings up, like, those are real things. Like, you know, all that comes up in coaching, you know, I mean, or around coaching, you know, fear and I'm, I'm talking about. Like a comedian, I think it was, uh, I forget one of the comedians, Steve Harvey, they asked Steve Harvey, they said, Steve Harvey, are you, um, what are you gonna miss about retiring from going live on stage, doing standup, doing standup shows? And he said, I tell you one thing I'm not gonna miss is. Just being so nervous and anxious and fearful about going on stage just before I go on. And I was like, Steven Harvey. Wow. Right. And that gave me some, uh, woosah because before first session, very first sessions, like you haven't met the person on the OR chemistry session, you haven't met from, there's some of that. That fear and, and like little anxiousness about, you know, what this is gonna, how it's gonna be. You know, I've had so much success in many sessions going, well, that, you know, I can step in there with, with pretty decent confident, but. That fear and, and some kind of anxiousness, it knocks on my door and sometimes when I don't answer, it goes to the back door, and when I don't answer that, it goes to the window banging on the window. Like it's a concert or something. Like it's drum line or something.
Christy Stuber:Right. Well, they don't go right. I think the point is they don't go away. They're, they're gonna be there until we, until we explore them and address them and unpack them. And I think what I've. Taken away from this book as well, which is a reminder for me, is that emotions are, um, they're data, they're information, they're signals, and I, I have experienced coaching where I've expressed a lot of emotion and my coach has not addressed it at all. It just leaves me wanting, it just leaves me feeling incomplete to not acknowledge this emotion and, and explore like, what is that emotion? What is that anger telling you, Kristi, when your recording wasn't as perfect as you thought it was? So, some great takeaways. What are you, um, what are you gonna bring into your coaching practice?
Ken McKellar:And pain. What? What am not gonna bring to pain? No, I, this just reminds me, you know, that it's a process. I mean, figuring out the rubers too was a process and enjoying that process through. Beginning to end to now, just holding onto it every time I do it. Um, it, it's a, it's a process and, and so stuff is gonna come up and like, not knowing that's the beginning of a process, whether it's me the coach not knowing or it is the client not knowing.
Christy Stuber:Yeah. I agree with that, and I think it's so tempting sometimes to just, to just check off the box, run the behavior when the client comes with it. And so I think the intentionality for me is, um, not to do that. And secondly is to think about it as a process that I don't need to connect my value as a coach, and we talked about this in a previous book, my Value as an A coach isn't necessarily solving a problem in that moment. That it's okay to pull back, dig deeper, and look at the whole process. And that question that we ask while contracting, you know, what's important about this for you right now gets towards the root of her book, which is those wants.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Christy Stuber:Right. What was important about solving the for you right now is what makes it a journey, not just a check.
Ken McKellar:And, and even understanding that because it wasn't important for me to solve it at the beginning. It was celebration at the end when it was solved.
Speaker 3:But
Ken McKellar:at the beginning it was, let me see this thing that I couldn't do, you know, and let me try to figure this thing out. And just spending time with it. I mean, to me that that was, and it became fun. So the journey was the process, because I didn't think I could do it, but the goal was definitely not to solve it because that wasn't in my wheelhouse until it was.
Christy Stuber:Until it was, yeah. Yeah. Maya DJ's book, uh, the Possible Self has a Beautiful Framework, has a lot of tools and ways of following her framework. Also, a lot of great reminders about, um, the elements of the core competencies in coaching. And so I think we're gonna go ahead and wrap up here, Ken, if that's okay with you? Yeah. Great. Listeners, if you enjoyed today's episode, make sure to subscribe to the Coaching Book Club podcast on your favorite podcast platform so you never miss an episode. And we'd love to connect with you on LinkedIn. Follow us for more coaching insights and updates about upcoming episodes. And before we wrap up today, we wanna remind you about an upcoming event in October ICF Converge 2025 will be in San Diego and Maya Ji is one of the signature speakers. So if you wanna go hear her live, you're able to there. You're also able to connect with coaches, um, across the world. Ken, you and I met there in person for the first time in Orlando two years ago, and I'm excited to go back. So if you're planning to attend ICF Converge, let us know. We'd love to see you there and thanks for being part of this community. And until next time, happy coaching.
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